Tips on Overcoming Self-Defeating Behaviors
Self-defeating behaviors are those activities and habits that keep
us from accomplishing our desired goals.
We may not recognize that
we have self-defeating behaviors. Consequently, we must take some time to
objectively assess how we behave, think, and act.
We initially
became entangled in self-defeating behaviors because we found the behavior
a way to cope with an unpleasant situation. For example, a young child
lies when caught in an uncompromising position. If the parent doesn't
catch and lets the child get away with it, the behavior becomes imprinted
in the child's behavior pattern.
As the child approaches
adulthood, and there has been no attempt to get rid of the behavior, it
becomes ingrained in the person's behavior pattern. Obviously, the
tendency to lie out of tough situations will sooner or later be recognized
by others, including spouse or employer. Thus, it becomes a self-defeating
behavior.
We, and others, may look at some of our habits and
thought patterns as merely quirky behavior. But some habits will be so
pronounced as to block any success we hope to have.
Here are some
tips for overcoming these self-defeating behaviors:
1. Recognize
that we have certain self-defeating behaviors.
This may not be
easy to do, since we look through a glass darkly when it comes to
ourselves. We have had certain habits for many years, and they've become
part of our behavioral lives.
Suggestion: Ask someone you
trust--maybe a spouse, parent, friend, or coworker--to tell you what he or
she see in your behavior that will be a hindrance in accomplishing your
goals. This is tough to do. And you need to make sure that the person is
someone who you can trust. Plus, you need to make sure that you will not
become offended by what they say. And be prepared to do something about
it. Otherwise, it's a dangerous activity.
2. Once you recognize
that you have a self-defeating behavior, think of another behavior to
replace it with--a positive behavior.
An example: Say that
whenever you are criticized at work for something you did, did wrong, or
didn't do, you instinctively blame others for what happened. Definitely a
self-defeating behavior! What can you replace it with? The next time you
are criticized, you decide to listen carefully, and if the criticism is
valid, you ask the person what you can do to improve your performance.
Now that's not easy to do. But if you visualize yourself
substituting the more positive behavior, you have a good chance of
actually making the behavioral change.
3. Set a goal for
conquering the self-defeating behavior. Write down you goal. Review it
frequently.
4. Monitor how you are doing in achieving the goal of
eliminating your self-defeating behaviors.
For example, you set a
goal to exhibit a more positive reaction to someone's criticism. You then
monitor how well you do the next someone gives you constructive criticism.
If you don't react positively, begin the process over of reinforcing the
desire to substitute a more positive behavior, set a new goal (such as
"The next time I'm criticized, I will listen and ask for ideas on how I
can do better."), and monitor how I do.
Since we all come into
adulthood with self-defeating behaviors that will hinder our progress,
determining to recognize and overcome these behaviors will lead to a more
fulfilling life.
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